This script of conversation does not target any person living or dead. Neither any institute nor any person is in the scope of the script.
We bring to you the exclusive script of interview conversation between the recruiting staff of Jai-IIT Khoda and the candidates. Believe it or not, the two conversations were found to be the most hilarious and worthwhile. Thats why these two candidates were selected as most potential candidates for the teaching staff. Check it out.
This work was scripted by me while i was in college. Just because of unavailability of time, i'm publishing it now.
Recruitment Venue: VC Cabin, Jai-IIT, Khoda
Shift One:
Panel: Mr. Thakur Sahab, Sri Gabbar Ji
Candidate 1: Mr. Check-Race (here abbv. As CRJ)
Thakur Sahab: Welcome. Good morning. Please have your seat.
CRJ: Good morning. Thankyou.
Thakur Sahab: So, tell me about your qualifications.
CRJ: Doubly qualified
Thakur Sahab: What does that mean?
CRJ: Sir, I have done double masters degree (MCA and MSC) from double stream (that is biology and computers), dual in personality and if you place me in your institute then I shall play dual roles.
Thakur Sahab: What are those two roles?
CRJ: First I will ask the students to teach me then secondly, they will teach their friends also. So, I will play as a teacher and a learner too.
Thakur Sahab: Impressive. But, why did you opt for two degrees every time.
CRJ: Please don’t tell anyone but I couldn’t complete a single degree completely.
Thakur Sahab: Okay. If we select you as a lecturer, then what will you teach students?
CRJ: Only one thing, Algorithms. That’s the only word I know.
Thakur Sahab: Can you name some algorithms?
CRJ: Yes. Sure. As many names as you want. Because I know their names only, not the steps and the solution.
Thakur Sahab: Then what will you teach students?
CRJ: I told you clearly, first they will teach me and then…..
Thakur Sahab: Okay Okay…….i got it. Tell me something about C programming language. Your resume shows you are expert at programming.
CRJ: Oh Yes! That’s my passion you know. Sir, there are three types of C. One is ‘see’, other is ‘sea’ and third you can guess……
Thakur Sahab: Ohh my goodness. Mr. Check-Race, you are deviating from the question. Tell me something about your expertise in programming.
CRJ: As I told you, its my passion. Its very easy. Steal someone’s idea, ask other person to write its ALGO and then its very simple….
Thakur Sahab: Okay, you mean you then code the algorithm?
CRJ: No. No. I then ask the third person to write its code in programming language.
Thakur Sahab: Good, Impressive. Tell me something about bioinformatics.
CRJ: That’s a good question. Bio + information is bioinformatics. It deals with many Algorithms like….
Thakur Sahab: Okay. Okay….tell me something about computers.
CRJ: Sir, computers are used to write programs. These programs are made from the Algorithms written priorly…….
Thakur Sahab: Stop. Please. Don’t you know anything except Algorithms?
CRJ: You know sir, I have one very unique quality. I know nothing but I can tell you everything.
Thakur Sahab: Then how do you do that?
CRJ: Its very simple. Either I will search it on google (which I doubt I’m good at) or if I don’t get it there, then I will ask students to find the answer and make a presentation on it. Simple.
Thakur Sahab: Final question Mister, if you are here at our institute, then what all topics you would like to take as subject?
CRJ: Algorithms, programs, coding, biology, biotechnology, electronics, maths, economics……………..
Thakur Sahab: (Starts panting) Ohh my god. You can teach any subject. How come?
CRJ: I told you sir. Don’t you remember? I will not teach anything. First the students will teach me and then…….
Thakur Sahab: Okay Okay…Stop Please. That’s enough. I got your point.
CRJ: So, whatis your next question sir?
Thakur Sahab: Thank you Mr. Check-Race. You may go. We have some more interviews to go. We will intimate you about the interview results. Nice meeting you.
CRJ: Thank you sir.
Thakur Sahab: Haah, a sigh of relief. What was this man? Waiter, bring me a bucket of ice-cold water, I need to cool down my brain.
Keep reading. Second candidate is yet to come.
Second shift. Panel: Sri Thakur Sahab, Sri Gabbar Ji, Mr. Veeru
Candidate 2: Sri Sri Baba Ranga
Ranga: May I come in, Sir?
Gabbar: Are bhaiya, raasta bhool gaye ho kya? Yeh koi barber shop nahi hai. Jao market bagal mein hai.
Thakur Sahab: Shut up Gabbar. Is this the way to talk to guests?
Gabbar: Are Thakur, tum to naraaz ho gaye. Shaant babua shaant.
Thakur Sahab: Stop this non sense. He is our next candidate. [to Ranga] Welcome, have your seat.
Ranga: Hey man! Good morning to both of you.
Gabbar: Good morning to thik hai bhai par ye He-man kisko bole?
Thakur Sahab: Shut up! He said ‘Hey man’, not ‘He-man’. It is his way of greeting.
Veeru: You both kindly settle your disputes and then start with the interview.
Thakur Sahab: Yeah. So Mr. Ranga, what are your qualifications?
Ranga: What a foolish question? Are you blind? Can’t you see my name in CV? When it is written ‘Dr. Ranga”, doesn’t that mean I’m Ph.D.
Gabbar: Waah! Kya jawaab hai. Ab bolo Thakur, bahut sawaal poochte ho na tum.
Thakur Sahab: I mean where did you complete your higher studies?
Ranga: India. I think that’s enough. Huh!
Thakur Sahab: Okay, tell me something about yourself then.
Ranga: I am anti+pro feminist, contagious person. Why are you so much interested in me? Do you want me for your daughter?
Thakur Sahab: Please do not get angry. It is a part of the interview. This is how we appoint faculty for our college.
Ranga: Don’t waste my time by talking all bullshit. I’m not interested in it.
Gabbar: Lagta hai aaj koi mard aaya hai Thakur ke saamne.
Thakur Sahab: Gabbar, silence. [to Ranga] So, Mr. Ranga, you said anti+pro feminist. What does that mean?
Ranga: It means that mostly I’m anti feminist, sometimes pro feminist. I think here I’ll prove to be anti one.
Veeru: Mind your language Mr. Ranga. Be straight while answering.
Ranga: I have my orientation straight only. It doesn’t change while answering.
Veeru: Khaamosh badtamiz. Tumhari ye himmat.
Gabbar: Are hum to kehte hain ki isi mard ko final kar do. Poora collegewa sudhar jaayega.
Thakur Sahab: Silence Gabbar. Speak only when you are asked to do so.
Gabbar: Thakur, chup rehne ko bulaye ho ka hame yahan.
Ranga (Shouts): Shut up you bastards. I’m giving you last warning. If you have to waste my time, you may better ask me to leave.
Thakur Sahab: Sir, cool down. Tell me, if we place you with us, what role will you play?
Ranga: Heights of stupidity! Obviously, you want a teacher, but I’m more than that.
Thakur Sahab: ‘More than that’, what does that mean?
Ranga: I mean I’ll prove to be a teacher, entertainer, lady hunter, love guru etc. In my last job, I played nearly 105 roles.
Gabbar: Matlab, launda complete package hai. Thakur, ka kahat ho?
Thakur Sahab: surprising. How could you manage so much work?
Ranga: You’ll get to know once I’m with you.
Thakur Sahab: Tell us something about your background.
Ranga: Well if you wish to know my background, then wait. [Ranga gets up, stands erect and turns frontside back] See, this is my background.
Veeru: Aey you! Behave yourself. We asked about your background not your back.
Gabbar: Ha Ha Ha. Aur lo interview, pada tamacha muh pe.
Thakur Sahab: What are your favourite topics?
Ranga: Lemme think. They are many but main ones are; love, romance, girls, sex, …..
Thakur Sahab: Leave it Ranga ji. I think I got your answer. But is this what you will teach here?
Ranga: Of course. Even the students like to study that.
Thakur Sahab: Now, my next question……
Ranga: Shut up! Now I’m tired. No more questions. Listen to me clearly, if you place me, then accept my few conditions; I need separate cabin, no female HOD, no female teacher, salary as per my conditions, residence free………
Thakur Sahab: Ohh! What is this? But sir, we have females in the department.
Ranga: Don’t worry. Once I join, they all will leave one by one.
Gabbar: Shabaash! Waise bhi ye auratein yahan koi kaam nahi karti hain. Ye to Thakur hai jo meri nahi sunta hai. Kaahe Thakurwa?
Thakur Sahab: Okay Mr. Ranga. You may go now.we will inform you about the results.
Ranga: Results! Whoz going to wait for it? I’m joining from Monday.
Thakur Sahab: But sir…..
Ranga: Listen to me….i don’t care for anything and don’t try to piss on my face. I also know how to piss.
Thakur Sahab: But there are certain administrative norms which you have to follow.
Ranga: Hey..don’t expect me to polish your butt. You wild ass..
Thakur Sahab: Ohh! He is a big trouble. [Aside to Gabbar] Lets call police.
Gabbar: Tum ka police bulaiyo Thakur.Ise to 12 mulko ki police dhoond rahi hai. Hum to kehte hain ki apni Radha bitiya ke liye iska haath maang lo. Sasuri din bhar make up lagati hai fir bhi koi ladka byaah kareko tayyar nahi hai.
Veeru: Gabbar, kutte main tumhe zinda nahi chhodoonga.
Gabbar: Are ja ja. Bahut dekhe hain tere jaise. Yaad nahi is Thakur ke haath kaise kutto ko khila diye the, ab tumhara aur basanti ka bhi yahi haal karenge.
Thakur Sahab: Now I’m leaving. That’s enough I think.
Gabbar: Chalo ab ham bhi aaraam karein. Chal veerua.
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